The hardest part to losing weight, for me, is the cravings that are related to emotional upheaval. I often have deep insecurity, I get upset, angry or scared and I desperately seek comfort.
Food and drink provide that even though its followed closely by terrible guilt.
Writing doesn't help. But i wanted to get this down because if i can find some way to overcome this...that would be life changing.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
I'm taking a break out of my day right now to say something obvious.
By staying open to change and to learning new things, you will do so.
I'm 37 years old. I've worked as a technical support specialist in one capacity or another for 15 years. I started at the University of Maryland on a Unix box setting up pay for print accounts. I'm now at a major transportation company as a contractor in a Desktop Support/Network Support role. I certainly make more money now!
I've primarily contracted for the last ten years of my career. I've moved from one job to another almost every year since. I've meet people I absolutely adore and those that drive me nuts - both users and co-workers.
Most of all, I've learned more about myself with every change. For example, I know that doing a new task when there's no documentation on it, scares me and I get easily agitated when I'm asked to do it alone. I know that once I've done something once, I'm far more likley to do it again, even if the outcome might be different. I've mastered the art of feeling out information from someone when I have no idea what's going on and taking them through basic troubleshooting steps that may not make a damn bit of difference but help me gather information.
What has also been a mainstay has been my general agitation and frustration the longer I'm at a contract. I've usually attributed it to personality differences or an IT major issue that isn't resolvable but it always was a nagging feeling that the issue wasn't them but me. I was too impatient, too overqualified or too easily bored. They weren't patient enough, smart enough or interesting enough to keep me engaged.
Of course, deep down, I knew that something had to change. That something turned out to be someone: me.
Last year, a lot of things happened but at the end of them, I spent time in the hospital and in an outpatient rehab program. Specifically, it was for Xanax. Anxiety is a bitch of a disease though and xanax withdrawl has the side effect of making your anxiety worse. I hit a lot of lows last year and basically started rebuilding my life and my personality from scratch with a lot less medication and no excuses.
It's been pretty hard a lot of times. Small blessings of friends, especially those in the same situation, help but don't really ease the aches of change. I gained weight. I spent a lot of time thinking. My only real outlet was going to conventions. I was unemployed for awhile and while I still count it as a blessing, it was one more step in contributing to my utter hopelessness.
Finally, I got a job. Then a second one! The real job started two weeks after the seasonal job and it not only offered me a chance to do what i do best but it was a chance to right an old wrong. I'd lasted a day and a half at this company several years before. I'd walked out just before I went on Xanax for the first time. Now, I was back and definitely NOT on Xanax. It was a return to home base, so to speak.
I've had some rough months though. The culture is different and I'm working with a well established team. Soon after I started, they hired the full time people. Which should have been the end of my contract but then there was summer and a pregnant lady. My contract now runs until the end of the year.
I've been getting a lot of calls lately for other positions. I'm not really tempted. Partly because I plan on moving in January and I want a rock solid reference. But also because I'm comfortable here even when I'm not comfortable. I'm giving my emotions more time to run their course and that fear, that need to run, isn't getting a chance to take hold.
That's the real difference. The concrete "this is what has changed" that I can point to. I couldn't tell you when it happened because its gradual and has been occurring slowly. My need to 'run' has been offset by my frequent escapes to conventions. When I return, if I'm still feeling agitated or that need to run that has always plagued me, I know I have to give it at least two weeks before I can do anything. That motivation to keep at it and that patience to wait have shown me what nothing else could. I can do this. My emotions and fears don't need to run me. If I calm down, my brain can work and I can see different ways of approaching whatever issue is causing me the most harm.
Furthermore, every time I try a different way of coping, I have time to see if it works. The odds are in my favor: the more things I try, the more likely I am to stumble onto something that works.
This is by no means my favorite place to work ever. There's a serious derth of geeks for one thing and it is so odd to have no one that really is into the same things I am. There's a bigger separation between contractor and full time than I've ever experienced. There's more but that's not really the point. Even if it was the most perfect environment ever, I still would have had to change because I was the problem. I was also the only thing I really COULD change. Being able to adapt and grow has proven to me that I can change. Before, I was afraid I'd be stuck forever with an inability to evolve. I know that's not true anymore.
That knowledge has embued me with a freedom I didn't have before. I know that its not all gardens and sunshine. I'm still a major work in progress. I know that moving to LA isn't the be all and end all answer. But this year has proved to me that when I move, I'm not doomed to fail because I'm just changing jobs and location. I'm capable of changing and growing at a new job in a new location. That's a great thing.
Not just great. Amazing. Liberating.
The journey is by no means over. In a major way, its just beginning.
By staying open to change and to learning new things, you will do so.
I'm 37 years old. I've worked as a technical support specialist in one capacity or another for 15 years. I started at the University of Maryland on a Unix box setting up pay for print accounts. I'm now at a major transportation company as a contractor in a Desktop Support/Network Support role. I certainly make more money now!
I've primarily contracted for the last ten years of my career. I've moved from one job to another almost every year since. I've meet people I absolutely adore and those that drive me nuts - both users and co-workers.
Most of all, I've learned more about myself with every change. For example, I know that doing a new task when there's no documentation on it, scares me and I get easily agitated when I'm asked to do it alone. I know that once I've done something once, I'm far more likley to do it again, even if the outcome might be different. I've mastered the art of feeling out information from someone when I have no idea what's going on and taking them through basic troubleshooting steps that may not make a damn bit of difference but help me gather information.
What has also been a mainstay has been my general agitation and frustration the longer I'm at a contract. I've usually attributed it to personality differences or an IT major issue that isn't resolvable but it always was a nagging feeling that the issue wasn't them but me. I was too impatient, too overqualified or too easily bored. They weren't patient enough, smart enough or interesting enough to keep me engaged.
Of course, deep down, I knew that something had to change. That something turned out to be someone: me.
Last year, a lot of things happened but at the end of them, I spent time in the hospital and in an outpatient rehab program. Specifically, it was for Xanax. Anxiety is a bitch of a disease though and xanax withdrawl has the side effect of making your anxiety worse. I hit a lot of lows last year and basically started rebuilding my life and my personality from scratch with a lot less medication and no excuses.
It's been pretty hard a lot of times. Small blessings of friends, especially those in the same situation, help but don't really ease the aches of change. I gained weight. I spent a lot of time thinking. My only real outlet was going to conventions. I was unemployed for awhile and while I still count it as a blessing, it was one more step in contributing to my utter hopelessness.
Finally, I got a job. Then a second one! The real job started two weeks after the seasonal job and it not only offered me a chance to do what i do best but it was a chance to right an old wrong. I'd lasted a day and a half at this company several years before. I'd walked out just before I went on Xanax for the first time. Now, I was back and definitely NOT on Xanax. It was a return to home base, so to speak.
I've had some rough months though. The culture is different and I'm working with a well established team. Soon after I started, they hired the full time people. Which should have been the end of my contract but then there was summer and a pregnant lady. My contract now runs until the end of the year.
I've been getting a lot of calls lately for other positions. I'm not really tempted. Partly because I plan on moving in January and I want a rock solid reference. But also because I'm comfortable here even when I'm not comfortable. I'm giving my emotions more time to run their course and that fear, that need to run, isn't getting a chance to take hold.
That's the real difference. The concrete "this is what has changed" that I can point to. I couldn't tell you when it happened because its gradual and has been occurring slowly. My need to 'run' has been offset by my frequent escapes to conventions. When I return, if I'm still feeling agitated or that need to run that has always plagued me, I know I have to give it at least two weeks before I can do anything. That motivation to keep at it and that patience to wait have shown me what nothing else could. I can do this. My emotions and fears don't need to run me. If I calm down, my brain can work and I can see different ways of approaching whatever issue is causing me the most harm.
Furthermore, every time I try a different way of coping, I have time to see if it works. The odds are in my favor: the more things I try, the more likely I am to stumble onto something that works.
This is by no means my favorite place to work ever. There's a serious derth of geeks for one thing and it is so odd to have no one that really is into the same things I am. There's a bigger separation between contractor and full time than I've ever experienced. There's more but that's not really the point. Even if it was the most perfect environment ever, I still would have had to change because I was the problem. I was also the only thing I really COULD change. Being able to adapt and grow has proven to me that I can change. Before, I was afraid I'd be stuck forever with an inability to evolve. I know that's not true anymore.
That knowledge has embued me with a freedom I didn't have before. I know that its not all gardens and sunshine. I'm still a major work in progress. I know that moving to LA isn't the be all and end all answer. But this year has proved to me that when I move, I'm not doomed to fail because I'm just changing jobs and location. I'm capable of changing and growing at a new job in a new location. That's a great thing.
Not just great. Amazing. Liberating.
The journey is by no means over. In a major way, its just beginning.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
321...
The good news is that my scale told me this morning that I was 321 lbs. This is a good place to be - less than what I've been before! My official weight goes off my trainers scale however and that's probably 2-4 lbs higher (and with clothes on!)
I've changed my workout time to 5:30pm on Thursdays instead of 6:30am on Wednesdays. I've been struggling with getting up early and struggling with not wanting to workout. Both of those tend to be because I'm fighting being sad.
I had another great convention. It was especially amazing because the universe intervened and put me in Security with two exceptionally special men. I also worked with a third and while he was very cool, i didn't have the same contact with him as I did the others.
I was initially not going to do Security at all. I was set as a runner but was pulled from that by late in the day Saturday. Between waiting in the green room and having my dinner break at the same time as one of my charges, I spent several hours in fantastic conversation.
I do love a good talk!
I'm still thinking about the move and when it will be. I'm still trying to gather my money skills and keep things even keel. I need to buy a car at some point too.
Still changing, still working...never giving up...it amazes me that a year ago I was suicidal...it really does get better.
I've changed my workout time to 5:30pm on Thursdays instead of 6:30am on Wednesdays. I've been struggling with getting up early and struggling with not wanting to workout. Both of those tend to be because I'm fighting being sad.
I had another great convention. It was especially amazing because the universe intervened and put me in Security with two exceptionally special men. I also worked with a third and while he was very cool, i didn't have the same contact with him as I did the others.
I was initially not going to do Security at all. I was set as a runner but was pulled from that by late in the day Saturday. Between waiting in the green room and having my dinner break at the same time as one of my charges, I spent several hours in fantastic conversation.
I do love a good talk!
I'm still thinking about the move and when it will be. I'm still trying to gather my money skills and keep things even keel. I need to buy a car at some point too.
Still changing, still working...never giving up...it amazes me that a year ago I was suicidal...it really does get better.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Convention highs and lows
When I go to a convention, I'm so full of excitement and anticipation that I don't eat (or don't want to anyway!) While I'm there, I have a sense of purpose and am often too busy to eat or to worry about when my next meal will be. That adds a whole level of freedom to my life. Freedom from worrying about food, about my weight, about everything because I'm easily under my calorie goals and yet not feeling deprived.
That tends to persist for awhile after the convention. I love that! I just wish I knew exactly how to keep that persisting.
I do eventually miss the convention. That sense of joy and purpose fades away and I'm back to real life. I'm becoming more and more convinced that its not conventions that are an 'up' as much as my real life being a bit of a 'down'.
This leads to my quest to find out what I can do to 'chase' that high. But in a healthy way. My old job, while stressful, kept me busy all day. That's how I lost a lot of the weight, more so than the xanax, i think. Having a sense of purpose is key.
That tends to persist for awhile after the convention. I love that! I just wish I knew exactly how to keep that persisting.
I do eventually miss the convention. That sense of joy and purpose fades away and I'm back to real life. I'm becoming more and more convinced that its not conventions that are an 'up' as much as my real life being a bit of a 'down'.
This leads to my quest to find out what I can do to 'chase' that high. But in a healthy way. My old job, while stressful, kept me busy all day. That's how I lost a lot of the weight, more so than the xanax, i think. Having a sense of purpose is key.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Counseling and Drugs
Anxiety often feels like the biggest burden I carry. I get scared of things that probably won't happen and overestimate the negative possibilities of things that will. The best description I saw for it recently is "anticipatory" anxiety. It keeps me home bound because the unrealistic, stupid fear makes me want to stay at home. Want is probably not stating it right. Need is how it feels. The more I push to leave, the more my brain starts to freak out. I try to find ways of convincing myself, bribes, talking myself through whatever is upsetting me...
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Change is easier than staying the same
It's Tuesday morning and I'm taking a break from work to write. I've decided that writing every day is one of the precursor steps to moving. I find that the more I put my words together, the better at it I become. Although that last sentence isn't much evidence!
I'm excited and terrified about my move to LA. I find myself second guessing myself almost daily. Then I end up running down the logical reasons it is a good idea and addressing the emotional reasons I'm scared. By the time the internal conversation is finished, another day is finished and I'm that much closer.
I believe that as people we are always in motion whether we realize it or not. We are running away from some things and searching for others. Physical location isn't the only measurement to see if we're moving. It just happens that I've had an easier time changing my address. Of course, physically moving house does set everything else in motion.
There are dozens of things I could change about my life not including location. Going to school, changing jobs, moving to a new apartment, joining a new gym or going to a new A.A. meeting. It always surprises me that some people don't see the changes they can achieve. I confess, I just read a blog and was sad that the only options seemed limited. But I've been there too.
There was a time when my life was dominated by pain. Physical and emotional though the pills really only helped with the first. I saw many physical therapists, a chiropractor and a psychologist. The only 'answer' was that a lot of my pain was emotional too. But separating emotional from physical is so hard to do I couldn't even tell you how I did it.
What I do now is force myself to swim, take a shower, write, listen to music or try to sleep when I hurt. Whether it is enough pain to need an advil or not, I pair the ibuprophen with something else.
I miss vicodin and xanax. However, relying on them took me out of the race to feel better. I also had a tendency to say a little too much when I was impaired. I felt warm and fuzzy but ended up short tempered and unstable.
My search is for feelings of actual ecstacy. I love going to conventions and meeting passionate people. I believe that excitement comes from doing things you love to do and are devoted to doing. While I can't turn my life into a convention, I can pick out the aspects of it that I adore and chase them.
The whole goal is to be physically in a location where I can learn more about the TV industry and be involved even tangentially. There's also talks, like a the Paley Center and other events that are local to LA.
Even if I still only go to conventions and work in LA, I'm close enough to go see my shows being taped or even location shooting. Plus there are conventions in LA and within easy flying distance.
Still scared but the fear might be advice to be cautious not reason to stop.
I'm excited and terrified about my move to LA. I find myself second guessing myself almost daily. Then I end up running down the logical reasons it is a good idea and addressing the emotional reasons I'm scared. By the time the internal conversation is finished, another day is finished and I'm that much closer.
I believe that as people we are always in motion whether we realize it or not. We are running away from some things and searching for others. Physical location isn't the only measurement to see if we're moving. It just happens that I've had an easier time changing my address. Of course, physically moving house does set everything else in motion.
There are dozens of things I could change about my life not including location. Going to school, changing jobs, moving to a new apartment, joining a new gym or going to a new A.A. meeting. It always surprises me that some people don't see the changes they can achieve. I confess, I just read a blog and was sad that the only options seemed limited. But I've been there too.
There was a time when my life was dominated by pain. Physical and emotional though the pills really only helped with the first. I saw many physical therapists, a chiropractor and a psychologist. The only 'answer' was that a lot of my pain was emotional too. But separating emotional from physical is so hard to do I couldn't even tell you how I did it.
What I do now is force myself to swim, take a shower, write, listen to music or try to sleep when I hurt. Whether it is enough pain to need an advil or not, I pair the ibuprophen with something else.
I miss vicodin and xanax. However, relying on them took me out of the race to feel better. I also had a tendency to say a little too much when I was impaired. I felt warm and fuzzy but ended up short tempered and unstable.
My search is for feelings of actual ecstacy. I love going to conventions and meeting passionate people. I believe that excitement comes from doing things you love to do and are devoted to doing. While I can't turn my life into a convention, I can pick out the aspects of it that I adore and chase them.
The whole goal is to be physically in a location where I can learn more about the TV industry and be involved even tangentially. There's also talks, like a the Paley Center and other events that are local to LA.
Even if I still only go to conventions and work in LA, I'm close enough to go see my shows being taped or even location shooting. Plus there are conventions in LA and within easy flying distance.
Still scared but the fear might be advice to be cautious not reason to stop.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Re-dedication
I've had a personal trainer since April. It has been a good thing but a tough change in my life. How I eat and exercise is under constant review and its HARD. I've lost 20lbs (yay) but some weeks I don't lose and its very hard to stay the course.
I've come to accept that I may only lose 1 lb a week. I also realize that totally giving up soda really doesn't help or hurt me - its all about the calories. I need to eat enough to survive and thrive but not so much I feel bloated. Simple'ish?
Anyway, i've been fightin the 'man' and when I say man, i mean my trainer. But i've made it to the gym Sunday, Tuesday and today. I did skip my trainer session yesterday but I'm setting up decent for next week. I'll be in a lake on Saturday. Here's hoping for at least a return to where I was (326) even if there's no loss. (Today i'm at 329 - boohiss!)
I've come to accept that I may only lose 1 lb a week. I also realize that totally giving up soda really doesn't help or hurt me - its all about the calories. I need to eat enough to survive and thrive but not so much I feel bloated. Simple'ish?
Anyway, i've been fightin the 'man' and when I say man, i mean my trainer. But i've made it to the gym Sunday, Tuesday and today. I did skip my trainer session yesterday but I'm setting up decent for next week. I'll be in a lake on Saturday. Here's hoping for at least a return to where I was (326) even if there's no loss. (Today i'm at 329 - boohiss!)
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