It's Tuesday morning and I'm taking a break from work to write. I've decided that writing every day is one of the precursor steps to moving. I find that the more I put my words together, the better at it I become. Although that last sentence isn't much evidence!
I'm excited and terrified about my move to LA. I find myself second guessing myself almost daily. Then I end up running down the logical reasons it is a good idea and addressing the emotional reasons I'm scared. By the time the internal conversation is finished, another day is finished and I'm that much closer.
I believe that as people we are always in motion whether we realize it or not. We are running away from some things and searching for others. Physical location isn't the only measurement to see if we're moving. It just happens that I've had an easier time changing my address. Of course, physically moving house does set everything else in motion.
There are dozens of things I could change about my life not including location. Going to school, changing jobs, moving to a new apartment, joining a new gym or going to a new A.A. meeting. It always surprises me that some people don't see the changes they can achieve. I confess, I just read a blog and was sad that the only options seemed limited. But I've been there too.
There was a time when my life was dominated by pain. Physical and emotional though the pills really only helped with the first. I saw many physical therapists, a chiropractor and a psychologist. The only 'answer' was that a lot of my pain was emotional too. But separating emotional from physical is so hard to do I couldn't even tell you how I did it.
What I do now is force myself to swim, take a shower, write, listen to music or try to sleep when I hurt. Whether it is enough pain to need an advil or not, I pair the ibuprophen with something else.
I miss vicodin and xanax. However, relying on them took me out of the race to feel better. I also had a tendency to say a little too much when I was impaired. I felt warm and fuzzy but ended up short tempered and unstable.
My search is for feelings of actual ecstacy. I love going to conventions and meeting passionate people. I believe that excitement comes from doing things you love to do and are devoted to doing. While I can't turn my life into a convention, I can pick out the aspects of it that I adore and chase them.
The whole goal is to be physically in a location where I can learn more about the TV industry and be involved even tangentially. There's also talks, like a the Paley Center and other events that are local to LA.
Even if I still only go to conventions and work in LA, I'm close enough to go see my shows being taped or even location shooting. Plus there are conventions in LA and within easy flying distance.
Still scared but the fear might be advice to be cautious not reason to stop.
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