321...

The good news is that my scale told me this morning that I was 321 lbs. This is a good place to be - less than what I've been before! My official weight goes off my trainers scale however and that's probably 2-4 lbs higher (and with clothes on!)

I've changed my workout time to 5:30pm on Thursdays instead of 6:30am on Wednesdays. I've been struggling with getting up early and struggling with not wanting to workout. Both of those tend to be because I'm fighting being sad.

I had another great convention. It was especially amazing because the universe intervened and put me in Security with two exceptionally special men. I also worked with a third and while he was very cool, i didn't have the same contact with him as I did the others.

I was initially not going to do Security at all. I was set as a runner but was pulled from that by late in the day Saturday. Between waiting in the green room and having my dinner break at the same time as one of my charges, I spent several hours in fantastic conversation.

I do love a good talk!

I'm still thinking about the move and when it will be. I'm still trying to gather my money skills and keep things even keel. I need to buy a car at some point too.

Still changing, still working...never giving up...it amazes me that a year ago I was suicidal...it really does get better.

Convention highs and lows

When I go to a convention, I'm so full of excitement and anticipation that I don't eat (or don't want to anyway!) While I'm there, I have a sense of purpose and am often too busy to eat or to worry about when my next meal will be. That adds a whole level of freedom to my life. Freedom from worrying about food, about my weight, about everything because I'm easily under my calorie goals and yet not feeling deprived.

That tends to persist for awhile after the convention. I love that! I just wish I knew exactly how to keep that persisting.

I do eventually miss the convention. That sense of joy and purpose fades away and I'm back to real life. I'm becoming more and more convinced that its not conventions that are an 'up' as much as my real life being a bit of a 'down'.

This leads to my quest to find out what I can do to 'chase' that high. But in a healthy way. My old job, while stressful, kept me busy all day. That's how I lost a lot of the weight, more so than the xanax, i think. Having a sense of purpose is key.

Counseling and Drugs

Anxiety often feels like the biggest burden I carry. I get scared of things that probably won't happen and overestimate the negative possibilities of things that will. The best description I saw for it recently is "anticipatory" anxiety. It keeps me home bound because the unrealistic, stupid fear makes me want to stay at home. Want is probably not stating it right. Need is how it feels. The more I push to leave, the more my brain starts to freak out. I try to find ways of convincing myself, bribes, talking myself through whatever is upsetting me...