The hardest part to losing weight, for me, is the cravings that are related to emotional upheaval. I often have deep insecurity, I get upset, angry or scared and I desperately seek comfort.

Food and drink provide that even though its followed closely by terrible guilt.

Writing doesn't help. But i wanted to get this down because if i can find some way to overcome this...that would be life changing.

I'm taking a break out of my day right now to say something obvious.

By staying open to change and to learning new things, you will do so.

I'm 37 years old. I've worked as a technical support specialist in one capacity or another for 15 years. I started at the University of Maryland on a Unix box setting up pay for print accounts. I'm now at a major transportation company as a contractor in a Desktop Support/Network Support role. I certainly make more money now!

I've primarily contracted for the last ten years of my career. I've moved from one job to another almost every year since. I've meet people I absolutely adore and those that drive me nuts - both users and co-workers.

Most of all, I've learned more about myself with every change. For example, I know that doing a new task when there's no documentation on it, scares me and I get easily agitated when I'm asked to do it alone. I know that once I've done something once, I'm far more likley to do it again, even if the outcome might be different. I've mastered the art of feeling out information from someone when I have no idea what's going on and taking them through basic troubleshooting steps that may not make a damn bit of difference but help me gather information.

What has also been a mainstay has been my general agitation and frustration the longer I'm at a contract. I've usually attributed it to personality differences or an IT major issue that isn't resolvable but it always was a nagging feeling that the issue wasn't them but me. I was too impatient, too overqualified or too easily bored. They weren't patient enough, smart enough or interesting enough to keep me engaged.

Of course, deep down, I knew that something had to change. That something turned out to be someone: me.

Last year, a lot of things happened but at the end of them, I spent time in the hospital and in an outpatient rehab program. Specifically, it was for Xanax. Anxiety is a bitch of a disease though and xanax withdrawl has the side effect of making your anxiety worse. I hit a lot of lows last year and basically started rebuilding my life and my personality from scratch with a lot less medication and no excuses.

It's been pretty hard a lot of times. Small blessings of friends, especially those in the same situation, help but don't really ease the aches of change. I gained weight. I spent a lot of time thinking. My only real outlet was going to conventions. I was unemployed for awhile and while I still count it as a blessing, it was one more step in contributing to my utter hopelessness.

Finally, I got a job. Then a second one! The real job started two weeks after the seasonal job and it not only offered me a chance to do what i do best but it was a chance to right an old wrong. I'd lasted a day and a half at this company several years before. I'd walked out just before I went on Xanax for the first time. Now, I was back and definitely NOT on Xanax. It was a return to home base, so to speak.

I've had some rough months though. The culture is different and I'm working with a well established team. Soon after I started, they hired the full time people. Which should have been the end of my contract but then there was summer and a pregnant lady. My contract now runs until the end of the year.

I've been getting a lot of calls lately for other positions. I'm not really tempted. Partly because I plan on moving in January and I want a rock solid reference. But also because I'm comfortable here even when I'm not comfortable. I'm giving my emotions more time to run their course and that fear, that need to run, isn't getting a chance to take hold.

That's the real difference. The concrete "this is what has changed" that I can point to. I couldn't tell you when it happened because its gradual and has been occurring slowly. My need to 'run' has been offset by my frequent escapes to conventions. When I return, if I'm still feeling agitated or that need to run that has always plagued me, I know I have to give it at least two weeks before I can do anything. That motivation to keep at it and that patience to wait have shown me what nothing else could. I can do this. My emotions and fears don't need to run me. If I calm down, my brain can work and I can see different ways of approaching whatever issue is causing me the most harm.

Furthermore, every time I try a different way of coping, I have time to see if it works. The odds are in my favor: the more things I try, the more likely I am to stumble onto something that works.

This is by no means my favorite place to work ever. There's a serious derth of geeks for one thing and it is so odd to have no one that really is into the same things I am. There's a bigger separation between contractor and full time than I've ever experienced. There's more but that's not really the point. Even if it was the most perfect environment ever, I still would have had to change because I was the problem. I was also the only thing I really COULD change. Being able to adapt and grow has proven to me that I can change. Before, I was afraid I'd be stuck forever with an inability to evolve. I know that's not true anymore.

That knowledge has embued me with a freedom I didn't have before. I know that its not all gardens and sunshine. I'm still a major work in progress. I know that moving to LA isn't the be all and end all answer. But this year has proved to me that when I move, I'm not doomed to fail because I'm just changing jobs and location. I'm capable of changing and growing at a new job in a new location. That's a great thing.

Not just great. Amazing. Liberating.

The journey is by no means over. In a major way, its just beginning.